5 Brutally Honest Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Had Kids
There are things I wish people had told me before I had children. (AHEM, Mom and Dad?) This is not to say that my overall decision to have children would have changed had I been made privy to these pearls of wisdom, but if I’d been properly warned, I could have prepared better, and likely been happier.
In fact, there are lots of things I would have done differently had I known what parenting entails. As it was, when our first child was born, I was still clinging to the idea that I would sit all day at my desk writing my novel while the baby slept blissfully in a bassinet at my feet. (THANKS for nothing J. K. Rowling).
In the hopes that it might make some of the hardships of parenting a little easier to take, once you get there (IF you dare!) below are the five things I wish someone told me before I had kids.
1. If you carry a baby in your body, it is an excruciating physical journey.
Not for your partner, YOU. Pregnancy is not to be taken lightly. Nine months of pregnancy, plus at least three months for your body to recover, means you are not you for an entire year. For one year of your life you will give your body over to a stranger. Also, the list of things you cannot do during pregnancy is so much longer than the things you can do (SPOILER ALERT: There is nothing on the list that you can do) that I can only imagine the closest thing to the experience is being in prison. I should also mention there are truly awful physical symptoms that you will have to live with 24 hours a day, every day, until you give birth.
Then there’s labor and delivery. However your birth journey goes, it will most likely be worse than you imagined. After you get through that, when it’s all over and you’re home with your little bundle of joy, you will have zero time to recover because you will be spending every single ounce of your energy trying to keep the tiny human you created alive. As an added bonus you will spend the first year of your spawn’s life doing manual labor to a degree you wouldn’t have been able to conjure even in your wildest dreams.
Picture this: You, carrying a screaming baby, who inexplicably weighs the same as two ten-pound bags of flour, with one hand, while opening the trunk of your car, folding the stroller and throwing it in with the other. Pro tip: Get the lightest stroller available.
2. You cannot do it alone.
No matter how capable you were before you decided to have a child (HOLLER career parents) it would be unwise to delude yourself into thinking you got this on your own, even with the best, most supportive partner. Not to scare you unduly but there will be things that go down you are completely unprepared for. Things will happen you couldn’t have predicted. Your baby may need to spend the first few weeks in the NICU. They may need special medical care for any number of reasons, which is in addition to the million appointments you’ll have to attend in the event you are lucky enough to have a healthy baby. All of these unknowns require time and attention, two things you will not have very much of because you’ll be taking care of said baby.
I wish someone had told me to start building an unbreakable support network before we had a baby. The people comprising this support network should be the ones that, pre-baby, you called when you locked yourself out of your car, during rush hour on the other side of town. Make a list of these folks and ask them to be part of your support network. Let them know during the first few years of your child’s life, it will be extremely hard, sometimes impossible, for you to reciprocate. Once your baby is earth-side, communicate with your support network and ask for help. Sometimes asking for help before you need it will enable you to avoid a meltdown. Pro tip: Move as close to the people in your support network as possible.
3. You will lose friends and loved ones.
Some of the people you expect to be part of your village will drop out. Having a child is similar to other life milestones in that it forces a role change from those involved. Mothers and fathers become grandparents, siblings become aunts and uncles, and friends become, well, scarce.
It’s hard when you’re in the trenches to look up and realize that some of the people you thought would be at your side aren’t there. Some of my relatives and friends dropped out of my support group during my pregnancy — and some dropped out during the first year of our elder child’s life. Some dropped out when we had our second child. They may be entering a different life stage — perhaps they’re an empty nester for the first time in eighteen years and being thrust into another caregiving role is not the top of their priority list. Maybe they decided having children isn’t for them, and they simply can’t relate. It’s possible they have unresolved issues with their own family, or life choices or values that don’t support yours. What I’ve found is that other parents are the best source of support during these times. At the end of the day if you have a few parent friends, chances are they had a day similar to yours, and you can rely on them for commiseration. Pro tip: Take advantage of every opportunity to vent with other parents who understand the challenges you’re dealing with because they’ve been there. Hey, you might even get some pro tips from them!
4. The only way to survive parenting is to embrace change and be flexible.
The happiest people I know don’t hold on too tightly to anything. Let me give you some parenting-related examples: Wanted to have a natural birth, but after twenty hours of labor ended up with an un-planned C-section? This happens sixty percent of the time in American hospitals. Had your heart set on breastfeeding but turned out your kiddo couldn’t latch? Almost all the of the mothers I know had issues with feeding. Vehemently opposed to the idea of sleep training until you simply couldn’t take the crying anymore and had to physically put the baby down in the crib to cry it out before you lost your mind? Been there.
One thing I wish someone told me is that each child is different — all babies and kids are not the same, just as all adults are unique. Boys, girls, age, class, race, parenting approach — there are no absolutes. Some boys love crafts, some girls need to run around to get out extra energy. When I’m the most successful with my children is when I embrace who they are, and not what I expect or want them to be. This means changing my style or my decisions to accommodate their personalities and interests and what works for them. Pro tip: We are all much happier when we do what works instead of what we imagined would work.
5. Your relationship with your partner is going to be challenged.
No matter how strong your relationship with your partner was before, having a child is a huge trial for any relationship. You will see sides of the person formerly known as the love of your life that aren’t so attractive. Sleep deprivation is real and while it is typically the worst during the first few months, it continues on, every time your child gets sick, or is getting a new tooth, or starts having bad dreams, or they simply realize they’re alone for the first time.
When you’re sleep deprived, you don’t operate at your best, and neither does your partner. Parenting requires you to believe in the power of deferred gratification. If you are anything like me, before having a baby, my partner and I did what we liked, went out whenever we wanted, and spent as much time together as possible when we weren’t working. Once you have a dependent(s), this is no longer the case. You have to trade off to get small stretches of freedom. You also have to save money or cultivate favors from your support network to hire a babysitter or convince someone to watch your child so you can spend time alone together.
Once you have a child, you don’t have privacy or alone time like you did before and this is hard. There are going to be times when you will resent your partner, and when they will resent you. Say, for example, your partner is working, and you are on parental leave. It will be hard not to resent the extra hours of sleep the working parent is getting since they have to go to work the next day. It will also be hard for the working parent not to resent the hour the parent on leave spends watching a TV show on Netflix while the baby is sleeping (IF the baby was indeed sleeping, in which case, good for you!).
On the other hand, you’ll see sides of your partner that will impress the hell out of you. When you see a human giving it their best, it’s hard not to gain a deeper appreciation for all they are capable of. Pro tip: Don’t expect your relationship to be the same or “go back to normal” after your child joins your family. Prioritize spending time alone together outside of the house. Remember your child’s needs will gradually change, and you will eventually have more time together, but until then, try to appreciate the struggle your partner is going through in addition to your own.
Being a parent means you have to rise above all of these challenges and keep going because here’s the truth — you don’t have a choice. You brought a human being into the world and now they are your responsibility. How they turn out is up to you.
When I think about who I was before I had children and who I am now, my sense of self-respect has increased. It’s gratifying to be challenged and work harder and longer ever before, all in the service of someone else, and succeed. Ultimately, that’s the one piece of advice I wish I had received — that in addition to raising a child, you are also raising yourself — and it’s pretty incredible to see how extraordinary you can be.