Believe
I will not lie to you... we’ve lived through a lot and while we purposefully choose joy, life can still be a major struggle (and might always be). But here’s the hard and fast truth about our life: even when we didn’t -and honestly at times still don’t- want to, we’ve consistently lived to see the sun rise on yet another day. We learn and grow through it all.
Fact: none of it took you out, not the... cruelty of youth (or those teachers), deaths, massive breaches of trust, complex health issues, multiple bomb threats that tore you out of bed, assaults, rapes, gaslighting, various eating disorders, fires, being silenced through it all, nor the rest of our ridiculous list ...you’ve even survived yourself, with all of the ideation and plans that scream loudly from the back of your mind. Maybe those plans didn’t work out for a reason? Shoot, maybe I mentioned it earlier, but if not... *spoiler alert*...we’re still breathing.
So listen up, beginning with 2-year-old me... Cut. The. Crap. Stop with the self-injury [run like hell later in life when a doc tells you it’s okay], the self-destructive/sabotaging behaviors, and unhealthy coping strategies. You, yourself, might be the hardest battle of our life. Fight. Fight with everything in you. Fight to inch closer to accessing the help you need. Even in your silence, fight. When you’re out of strength, be gentle with yourself then fight, and fight some more. Believe there is more, and cut the crap to fight for it.
Start with this: Make gratitude your attitude at all times. Gratitude, kindness, and humor will be your essential keys. Hold space for yourself and others gently, but hold tightly to the adage “expect nothing, appreciate everything.”
Gratitude in the face of reality is vital and brave, as are kindness and empathy. Try your best to set boundaries (yes, boundaries are hard, but try anyway). Be gentle with yourself and, without anxiety, allow yourself to receive kindness from others. Small moments are never small, so pay attention, and for goodness sake never pass up an opportunity to laugh. Laugh at yourself as much as everything else. Humor is critical.
Despite experience crying out to be terrified, slowly we can learn to let the right people in. Look for those you describe as being a light in this world and, like a sunflower, turn towards them. Our soul sometimes recognizes these people before you do, you’ll feel your guard unexpectedly down - cautiously trust that feeling. When the time is right, you’ll be lucky enough to meet a friend whose inherent warmth and light radiates so brilliantly, she’s more than a light; she’s a Bat Signal.
These are the people you can trust to let in, but trusting doesn’t equate to asking them to hold space, and most importantly ensure it’s a mutually balanced friendship... this is why you must always cautiously trust that feeling, girl.
I know the both of us don’t feel worthy - at times nothing more than “the spare” - but I’ve been informed that surprisingly we deserve all that we emotionally crave. We even deserve those big things like being our authentic self, genuine connections with others, being welcomed and/or pulled into real hugs, happiness, and love (in friendships, and more). Crazy, right?!
Life will always be a balance, but there’s SO much joy here in 2020.
Find your refuge -Broadway, friends, whatever it takes- then gather your strength, and get here!
A few things to keep in mind: You are not your past or your traumas. Get off the scale, your weight doesn’t define you nor will it protect you. You’re going to be both a teddy bear and warrior for others. You will find joy. Everything and everyone crosses your path when they’re supposed to, it’s your job to find the lesson and the funny. Believe there is life on the other side of whatever you’re facing. You’re more resilient than you‘d imagine, unfortunately, most of the time you’ll only find out when there’s no other choice. We’ve made it to 35. Keep going.
Fight with all your might, even if it’s minute by minute. You can do it.
Believe.