What would you tell your earlier self?
Dispatch from Daybreak is a collection of letters written by womxn to their earlier selves; the things they wished they’d known and the things that are still to come.
Recent Dispatches
I’m sorry all of this happened to you. I’m sorry your world shattered. I’m sorry that I can’t give you the strength to go to the police or feel safe. I wish it were different. I’m sorry.
Not every day will you suffer in silence, not telling a soul about why you are no longer the same. There will be a day that it all changes.
(Take a deep breath. I’m speaking to you from the future, remember? So that means you get through this. Trust me.)
Remember when you would play with your calculator and multiply the numbers over and over until the screen couldn’t hold the numbers anymore. You started to get letters and shapes and it got too complex to understand. Well that is what happens in life too.
My issue with The Goonies starts at the playground at our first low-rent run-down Las Vegas apartment.
Your feelings are valid. It’s not bad to cry. It’s okay to have big feelings, no matter what your family tells you. It’s okay they don’t understand; you can’t make them. Don’t let them stop you or stifle your big feelings—use them to make big changes. Please know your acceptance of yourself is the only one you really need.
Our last big surgery for the foreseeable future is just days away. Our toes and our knees will finally face in the same direction! It all must sound ridiculous, but it’s exciting. All of these surgeries have put our life on hold, not entirely, but have taken away independence you didn’t even know mattered to us. Now we get to re-learn how to walk, ride, climb, board, etc. We aren’t going to magically be healthy, but I am so bloody excited.
I wish I'd known and behaved differently. That's why I want you to have the chance I never had. It would have saved so much heartache. Not just the feeling of utter devastation after he left, (I’ve never experienced the heart wrenching sobs robbing me of breath since,) but the years of loneliness and unhappiness and a failed marriage for each of us.
I’m not here to tell you to buck up, or calm down, or keep a stiff upper lip. I’m here to tell you to cry. Cry. A. Lot. This won’t be hard advice to follow. See? You’re already doing it! Bravo! Let your emotions flow and be messy and unpredictable. It’s okay. Really. You’re going to be riding the waves of grief for years to come, so just get used to it.
Life will bring times of enormous pleasure and great pain, inexpressible happiness and unspeakable grief. Enjoy them or endure them, but know that they will pass and leave you richer for the experience. When it all gets too much to bear, you will find great comfort in the beauty of the world around you. The natural order of the smallest things will restore your soul's equilibrium.