Breathe
2010-2016 Bryn,
We’ve never been the best with words, but here goes anyway:
Breathe. I know it’s your least favorite thing to hear when you are having a time of it, so roll your eyes at me all you want, but just take a breath. If you pass out from holding your breath you will automatically take a breath, then things will be put in perspective. This is payback for you always tagging along in my life, I get to pop in on yours just for a bit.
I found a photo the other day from a long time ago. Guess what? We went by a different name then but I have the same haircut, same weird dance moves, I even hold myself the same way – and I almost love all of those things. You look back on that photo and cringe, hate us for who we were. I look at that photo and smile, and chuckle – the wedding at which it was taken at led to a very messy divorce. My heart warms at that photo. I look at where you are now, what you’re dealing with, I don’t smile, but my heart fills with love no less. I wish I could express to you how amazing you are in any way that would actually sink in.
I’m sure you are amazed I – sorry we – made it this far, I am too. I’m not going to tell you too much, I don’t want you to mess it up ;). I’m married now, hard to believe, right? He’s absolutely not the guy you are thinking of, thank goodness. I don’t know the best way to convey how it gets better – it’s shitty first. Your life plan you have now is nothing like where you’ll end up. You WANT to be a mom, it’s wild.
Our last big surgery for the foreseeable future is just days away. Our toes and our knees will finally face in the same direction! It all must sound ridiculous, but it’s exciting. All of these surgeries have put our life on hold, not entirely, but have taken away independence you didn’t even know mattered to us. Now we get to re-learn how to walk, ride, climb, board, etc. We aren’t going to magically be healthy, but I am so bloody excited.
It’s 2020 now, it currently feels grey and miserable, but we are on the precipice of spring, literally and figuratively. Optimism is here, it feels so hard to trust, but we are doing it, one step, crutch, or push at a time.
“Here’s a letter and there is no useful advice” How did I know you would say that. Since you made it all the way through here is my little nugget of ‘wisdom’ for you:
Mom’s voice in our head is not the same as what we actually want, even though separating them is one of the hardest things we will ever do. Oh, and breathe.
Got you.
But seriously, I love you.
We are doing it, just keep going,
2020 Bryn