Be-Little
Now you are seven it’s time to understand that you really are shorter than all your friends. The earliest inkling of this came on your first day at school when the door handle to Miss Sayer’s classroom was out of reach. You hoped this meant you’d never have to return but, disappointingly, the caretaker managed to lower it.
Every day in the canteen dinner ladies force you to eat revolting meals ‘Or you’ll never get bigger’. Chose to remain hungry and tiny rather than swallow that muck. Our over-optimistic Mum will always buy massive school uniform, saying ‘You’ll grow into it’. Don’t believe her. As your younger sister is of average height Mum will try to pass you off as twins and dress you identically. The shame of that gets worse when Mary overtakes you and you have wear her ‘hand-me-ups’. Fortunately ‘petite’ ranges of clothes will be invented when you’re an adult.
People will tell you ‘good things come in small packages’ providing some comfort— until Great Aunt Emily callously points out ‘So does poison, dear’. You’ll need to grow a thicker skin rather than inches, because next year you’ll carry the Brownie banner at St Andrew’s church parade. You will burst with pride until the scoutmaster mocks you, saying ‘You should be on stilts’. Everyone will laugh. Sadly, that humiliation will burn for years.
Avoid really tall friends—they’ll only block you from getting goals in netball and you’ll look silly scurrying alongside them when you’re out. You’ll never reach the bars in gymnastics and will have the same trouble when you go into pubs (when you’re older of course).
You will only attract boys very much taller than yourself, so slow dances at discos will be tricky—either you’ll get a crick in the neck or he’ll get backache or it may just look dodgy! One boyfriend will think it’s hysterical to lift and drop you in the luggage rack on a train trip to Margate. Dump him just like he did you…don’t let anyone ‘be-little’ you!
As an adult shopping becomes a challenge. Whatever you want in the supermarket will always be beyond reach. If you can’t enlist help just mountaineer up the shelves, but beware deep freezers! When there isn’t a man in your life don’t despair, buy a step stool for home instead—they’re much lower maintenance.
Your preferred careers will be out of the question as you aren’t tall enough to be a ballerina or air stewardess. But there are some advantages, when you become a social worker because children readily relate to you as you are really on their level. Also you can chicken out of scary rides at theme parks if you’re under the height limit. Result!
When you’re older remember absolutely everyone can look down on your parting and those increasingly grey roots—see your hairdresser regularly. Sadly, you will never reach the magic five foot and, yes, you will shrink with age!
Be big in spirit instead little one…